By Lynn Ashby
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). You are bright, curious and fond of music, mainly bagpipe bands. Your neighbors can’t stand your selections, particularly after midnight. This may be your lucky day: No one will use the word “existential” and expect you to understand its meaning. Think things through before you gulp a quart of Clorox to ward off the Covid-19 coronavirus, but follow your basic instincts and buy 1,000 Lotto tickets from the convenience store. Pay for them by holding up the convenience store.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). The stars are aligned for you. You will find your car keys somewhere that is wet and flushes. Do not put that leftover “Biden for President” sign in your yard from 1988 and 2008 unless you really think third time’s a charm. You should remember to lock up the meth lab and don’t wear your Covid-19 Hitler mask in public. Not everyone called “Slick,” “Dude” or “Snake” can be trusted. You get tired of people calling you “Scorpion.”
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You are the ninth sign of the zodiac, home of the wanderers. So take a stroll, only this time leave bread crumbs behind so you can find your way home. Sags are truth-seekers, demanding to know the honest facts. Today limit your viewing of Fox News to eight hours. And, no, your mail-in ballot will not cause you an appendicitis attack, only a mild case of xanthophobia, but realize you’ve always been afraid of the color yellow.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Quit whining just because your birthday falls around Christmas. Believe others when they say your presents were lost by Amazon. Do not steal a Christmas door wreath from a neighbor who is called “Slick,” “Dude” or “Snake.” Prepare your New Year’s resolutions, but stick to achievable goals, not like last year. Your wrinkles didn’t disappear and Bill Gates did not mention you in his will. Capricorn originates from the constellation of Capricornus, the horned goat. You will attend a Trump rally with 1,000 others sitting shoulder-to-shoulder who don’t wear a mask. This will show your friends (1) you are a real, tough patriot (2) no government is going to order you around and (3) your IQ matches your age. Tell your child not to take his pet horned goat to show-and-tell.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Aquarius is the eleventh sign of the zodiac. Stop singing “This is the age of Aquarius.” It came from the musical “Hair” in 1967. Get over it. Those born under this horoscope sign are humanitarian, philanthropic and keenly interested in crocheting floor mats for pickup trucks. Your children take their lunch money each morning and go off to school. You will discover that school hasn’t started yet. Make a note to attend funerals for un-masked Capricorns, but stay six feet away from those going six feet under.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20). Pisces is fish. They smell. Scrub your scales. Today is a good time to study phrenology. Make sure your genealogy report from Ancestry is correct: that you are an Asian Swede whose ancestors include a band of Gypsies, the entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir and a bounty hunter hired by enemies of Judas Iscariot. Ignore any polls that show the winner of the Presidential race is Hillary Clinton.
ARIES (March 21-April 19). Those born under Aries love to be number one, so be the first in your family, company or cell block to volunteer to take a Covid-19 vaccination shot. When asked if you really want to take the shot, don’t answer, “I’m positive.” Check out Gov. Abbott’s hourly changed quarantines, then hit the bars, tattoo parlors and pool halls, telling others that you are safe because you’ve been vaccinated. Leave quickly. Motorcycle gangs are notoriously short-tempered.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20). You are famed for frugality in dealing with your own money, thus you are known as tight, cheap and always having to go to the restaurant bathroom just before the bill arrives. Others often reply to your wise observations with, “That’s bull.” Don’t take it personally. Your symbol is the bull. You will soon acquire a great fortune, just pick the right armored car. You may lose 20 pounds, so keep your arms away from that band saw in the garage.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21). Gemini’s astrological symbol is the Twins. This has nothing to do with that Minnesota baseball team, rather you are a twin separated at birth. There is an evil you walking around Little Rock. Blame everything on him. When someone asks, “What sign were you conceived under?” stop replying, “Keep off the grass.”
CANCER (June 22-July 22). This sign is prohibited at MD Anderson. Those born under this horoscope sign are “roots” kinds of people, and take great pleasure in the comforts of home. You are the only person who likes to be quarantined. Break the code on Gov. Greg Abbott’s Covid-19 orders, and start a petition declaring the governor’s office to be “non-essential.”
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22). Look at the mail to see if your FEMA check has arrived to cover your hurricane damages – from Ike. If the post office thought the letter was your mail-in ballot to fill out, delivery may take a while. This is the year 2020. Co-workers are signing a petition opposing the “toxic atmosphere” in your anvil assembly line. Don’t sign since it lists you as the toxic.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). The sun and moon converge in Virgo for the new moon. Run for your life. The IRS will finally find you. You may not love your cellmate, but your cellmate will certainly love you. You are not paranoid, but keep that flashlight under your bed and make sure the shotgun is loaded – the Muppets really do hate you. After eating Chinese food for six days straight, you will have an insane desire to iron shirts. To make it easy for you, your Presidential ballot will finally arrive — already filled out.
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